It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.