Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
i actually laughed 😩
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
So creative 😂
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.