Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
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I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.