“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.