There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.