After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.