me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
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People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.