Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…๐๐๐ถ
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ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked ๐ ๐คฃ๐
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and whatโs the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isnโt a hobby.
Next thing I know heโll be saying Twitter isnโt a hobby.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldnโt just sleep with him in his bed, and I donโt have it in me to debate his reply:
โHeโs a giraffe. He wonโt fit in a bed.โ
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
โI got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.โ
โBoo Weekley?โ
โNo. I yelled. Loudly.โ
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WEโVE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 wouldโ
Monolith Travel Agent: Iโm sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what sheโd like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.