This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
You Might Also Like
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The Punning Dead.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)