My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
You Might Also Like
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
That’s amazing.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Very good! 👍😂
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?