You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Stonehinge
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket