purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Buck naked
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk