A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
You Might Also Like
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered