If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
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the answer was staring at me all along
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Just as the prophecy foretold
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.