Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You Might Also Like
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea