Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
These aren’t even hard anymore.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*