What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi