These are my roll models.
You Might Also Like
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE