Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
No, YOUR illiterate.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.