Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
You Might Also Like
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”