Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?