Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
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FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Smells like a challenge to me