My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Poetry is my passion
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.