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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
HOW DARE YOU
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
#Caturday
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.