When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up