[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
🤣🤣🤣
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?