Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!