When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Happy birthday to all the women
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested