Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though