Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
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Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Chemical wingman
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs