RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
when u come home smelling like another dog
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??