ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!