ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
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You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”