[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.