Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.