Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced