In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.