Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
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[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
No, he would not have.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Velcrow
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers