Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I have questions??
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.