I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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i love meeting boys on tinder
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My daily affirmation
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
i smell a pulitzer
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now