There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.