“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
You Might Also Like
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’