A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.