This tweet lives in my head rent free.
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How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
me 2 months after i graduated
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper