NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face