We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
nature’s most graceful animal
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.