Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
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“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
his wife is probably gonna see that
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?