Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.