Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
What a chick magnet..
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year