I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
You Might Also Like
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
(Gaming support cat.)
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.